Uncle Mike: a vernacular version of "Seven Nights Drunk"

Gramps (Eugene Patrick Munday, Sr.) was a master of Irish oral culture, having been raised by traditional, illiterate Irish-American parents in various oil boom towns along the New York State-Pennsylvania state line. These towns included Bingham, Harrisburg Run, Nichols Run, Cobb Hollow, and Wolf Run. Like many children, I wish that I had listened more closely and written down his many poems, songs, and stories. Many were bawdy.

Such a one is the song "Uncle Mike." It's clearly related to "official" versions intended for polite company such as "Seven Drunken Nights" (aka "Seven Nights Drunk") recorded by The Dubliners. It's one of the few songs I remember, possibly because Gramps and my sister Kathy sang it so often. Also, it's one of the songs he sang to his teacher Mary Regan as he sat outside the schoolroom window after school let out in Harrisburg Run. He sang her naughty songs and recited naughty poems until she began crying. He thought he was in for the beating of his life, because Miss Regan boarded with his parents (John Eugene and Bertha Munday). But she never told, he felt guilty, and it built a special bond between the two of them. Gramps dearly loved school, though he had to quit in the eighth grade to begin working on an oil lease.

Here's a pic of that old schoolhouse with teacher, students, and some parents. That's John Eugene Munday on the left, with his two sons Charles (left) and Eugene (right) in front of him. I think Mary Regan is the woman just to the left of the open doorway:

I've done my best to teach "Uncle Mike" to the families and kids we've backpacked and camped with over the years. Here it is:

Uncle Mike

Oh Uncle Mike come home one night as drunk as drunk could be,
And at the door he saw a horse where his horse ought to be.
So he said to his wife, his pretty little wife, explain this thing to me
What's this horse outside the door where my old horse should be?

Oh you darn fool, you damn fool, you son-of-a-bitch said she,
It only is a milk cow my mother sent to me.

Well, I've traveled this whole world over, ten thousand miles or more,
But a saddle on a milk cow I never did see before.

Oh Uncle Mike come home one night as drunk as drunk could be,
And on the peg he saw a coat where his coat ought to be.
So he said to his wife, his pretty little wife, explain this thing to me
What's this coat upon the peg where my old coat should be?

Oh you darn fool, you damn fool, you son-of-a-bitch said she,
It only is a cleaning rag my mother sent to me.

Well, I've traveled this whole world over, ten thousand miles or more,
But buttons on a cleaning rag I never did see before.

Oh Uncle Mike come home one night as drunk as drunk could be,
And on the chair he saw a pipe where his pipe ought to be.
So he said to his wife, his pretty little wife, explain this thing to me
What's this pipe upon the chair where my old pipe should be?

Oh you darn fool, you damn fool, you son-of-a-bitch said she,
It only is a tin whistle my mother sent to me.

Well, I've traveled this whole world over, ten thousand miles or more,
But tobacco in a tin whistle I never did see before.

Oh Uncle Mike come home one night as drunk as drunk could be,
And by the bed he saw two boots where his boots ought to be.
So he said to his wife, his pretty little wife, explain this thing to me
What's these boots upon the floor where my old boots should be?

Oh you darn fool, you damn fool, you son-of-a-bitch said she,
It only is two flower pots my mother sent to me.

Well, I've traveled this whole world over, ten thousand miles or more,
But flower pots with buttons and laces I never did see before.

Oh Uncle Mike come home one night as drunk as drunk could be,
And on the bed he saw a head where his head ought to be.
So he said to his wife, his pretty little wife, explain this thing to me
What's this head upon the bed where my old head should be?

Oh you darn fool, you damn fool, you son-of-a-bitch said she,
It only is a baby doll my mother sent to me.

Well, I've traveled this whole world over, ten thousand miles or more,
But a baby doll with whiskers I never did see before.

Oh Uncle Mike come home one night as drunk as drunk could be,
And on her titties he saw two hands where his hands ought to be.
So he said to his wife, his pretty little wife, explain this thing to me
What's these hands upon you where my old hands should be?

Oh you darn fool, you damn fool, you son-of-a-bitch said she,
It only is a night gown my mother sent to me.

Well, I've traveled this whole world over, ten thousand miles or more,
But a night gown with fingers I never did see before.

Oh Uncle Mike come home one night as drunk as drunk could be,
And in her thing he saw a thing where his thing ought to be.
So he said to his wife, his pretty little wife, explain this thing to me
What's this thing here in you where my old thing should be?

Oh you darn fool, you damn fool, you son-of-a-bitch said she,
It only is a candlestick my mother sent to me.

Well, I've traveled this whole world over, ten thousand miles or more,
But a candlestick with balls on it I never did see before.